It's Friday technically, but really it's my Sunday. Beginning stages of starting my business are going well; things are moving forward and I'm doing my darndest to not get in the way, not put on the brakes. It's a process, a learning process. I'm taking little steps every day, kind of going with the flow. No pressure, or at least I'm trying to avoid pressure. I've been stuck in a Hermit phase in my life for the last 12 years. Finally ready to get the heck out of the rut, step fully into my life and my goals. Moving from a dream state into reality. It might be easy to fall back into that victim role, that "woe is me" crap that I've been dragging around like a boulder. BUT I'm determined to NOT slip. The only thing holding me back is my own ego, trying to keep me "safe". But how boring is that? "Safe"? It's self sabotage.
I've been stuck between fear of failure & fear of success for so long that it felt normal to be stagnant. Oh, I've been making forward progress over the last 12 years, don't get me wrong. I've done a lot, seen a lot, been many places, met many people. I've accomplished goals and I've grown. But I haven't been living my dream. And why the heck not? Simply because it's been "safer" to be in my own little haven of known errors & little risks. That haven comes with a familiar anxiety. The more comfortable that haven becomes, the more normal the anxiety becomes. The more normal that anxiety is, the easier it it is to ignore the fact that I'm holding myself back. Boom. And here I am, stepping into the unknown. I've gotten over the fear of success/fear of failure (mostly) just by charging right on through that wall. Yay for me! Yes? Yes!
But get this, now I have this fear of "The Unknown" (use your big, booming, Monty Python voice). So, anxiety. Yes. Stepping out into the unknown brings it's own form of anxiety. Just today I was messing around with my new website, trying to fix some glitches. Checking out google for my site's name, etc. I found someone in another part of the country with a similar business name to mine. Instant anxiety. "Oh, crap. Someone else is doing what I've been wanting to do. What I am doing. Am I too late? Should I keep moving forward? Am I going in the right direction?" All these little niggling doubts and fears. Damn ego, anyway.
I've been wanting to use the Aleister Crowley Thoth deck for some time -probably since I started reading tarot 23 years ago. I've put it off probably out of some perceived feeling of intimidation, probably a little laziness. Finally, I've decided, what the heck. Why not step into this new deck while I'm trying other new paths. It's just time. I've signed on for a couple classes with Mo Abdelbaki at the Shining Lotus metaphysical store, just to get an introduction into the deck from a master. (Remind me to post about this later.) I'm can read with any Waite-Smith inspired tarot deck, any oracle deck; why wouldn't I be able to read with something completely different? I'm always telling my kids that the way to get better at something is to do it more. Practice makes perfect! Well, the only way I'm going to get used to reading with this deck is to just do it. Crashing through more walls? Sign me up!
Last week, Mo said, "You're gonna love this deck. You may never go back." Only time will tell how that pans out. Mo extolled the decks virtues of being extremely accurate and right to the point. If you know me, you know I like my readings to go just like that. No messing around, tell me the truth. I also believe that the magic is in the reader, not necessarily the images on a deck of cardstock.
Feeling all of that anxiety earlier, I wondered what would the Thoth tell me. I'd normally pull out The Wild Unknown, or even The Darkana Tarot as of late. No better time than the present to start with the Thoth. Here's the result today. The Two of Swords and The Prince of Wands.
My immediate thought was yes, I'm doing it right and keep going. Upon closer inspection, I see that in the background of Two of Swords are what look like four pinwheels. Things are working like clockwork, moving right along smoothly. It's balanced and organized. But I also see this as my anxiety. The swords in the foreground are symbolic of my ego/fear trying to protect myself from the activity going on in the background. Everything is happening as it's supposed to and exactly the right timing; it's my fear that keeps me from opening fully to that potential.
The Prince of Wands looks similar to The Chariot in a traditional RWS deck, except the chariot is in motion & there's only one beast pulling. Here I see my passion for tarot in motion. I am moving forward, albeit pulling to one side because the lion is off center to the chariot. It's moving forward smoothly but I'm letting the lion (my passion) pull the cart wherever it desires. I have reigns draped over my left hand wrist, my hand open-not the best way to steer a charging lion, but does anyone really have control of their lives? All we can do is our best and move forward with our best intentions and with passion! The open left hand is symbolic of being receptive to intuition. Interesting that the front of the chariot looks like a miniature city of skyscrapers. Driving industry (my business). So much energy in this card compared to the one on the left!
So, there you have it. Am I on the right path? Yes. Keep plowing through my fears to move forward. It's happening anyway, why not get out of the way. Help it along instead of trying to throw a wrench (or two swords) in the works. Use my passion to fuel the journey. Yes.
- Tarot on the Go: Have Cards, Will Travel!
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