TGIF, or What's up with Anxiety?

It's Friday technically, but really it's my Sunday. Beginning stages of starting my business are going well; things are moving forward and I'm doing my darndest to not get in the way, not put on the brakes. It's a process, a learning process. I'm taking little steps every day, kind of going with the flow. No pressure, or at least I'm trying to avoid pressure. I've been stuck in a Hermit phase in my life for the last 12 years. Finally ready to get the heck out of the rut, step fully into my life and my goals. Moving from a dream state into reality. It might be easy to fall back into that victim role, that "woe is me" crap that I've been dragging around like a boulder. BUT I'm determined to NOT slip. The only thing holding me back is my own ego, trying to keep me "safe". But how boring is that? "Safe"? It's self sabotage.

I've been stuck between fear of failure & fear of success for so long that it felt normal to be stagnant. Oh, I've been making forward progress over the last 12 years, don't get me wrong. I've done a lot, seen a lot, been many places, met many people. I've accomplished goals and I've grown. But I haven't been living my dream. And why the heck not? Simply because it's been "safer" to be in my own little haven of known errors & little risks. That haven comes with a familiar anxiety. The more comfortable that haven becomes, the more normal the anxiety becomes. The more normal that anxiety is, the easier it it is to ignore the fact that I'm holding myself back. Boom. And here I am, stepping into the unknown. I've gotten over the fear of success/fear of failure (mostly) just by charging right on through that wall. Yay for me! Yes? Yes!

But get this, now I have this fear of "The Unknown" (use your big, booming, Monty Python voice). So, anxiety. Yes. Stepping out into the unknown brings it's own form of anxiety. Just today I was messing around with my new website, trying to fix some glitches. Checking out google for my site's name, etc. I found someone in another part of the country with a similar business name to mine. Instant anxiety. "Oh, crap. Someone else is doing what I've been wanting to do. What I am doing. Am I too late? Should I keep moving forward? Am I going in the right direction?" All these little niggling doubts and fears. Damn ego, anyway.

I've been wanting to use the Aleister Crowley Thoth deck for some time -probably since I started reading tarot 23 years ago. I've put it off probably out of some perceived feeling of intimidation, probably a little laziness. Finally, I've decided, what the heck. Why not step into this new deck while I'm trying other new paths. It's just time. I've signed on for a couple classes with Mo Abdelbaki at the Shining Lotus metaphysical store, just to get an introduction into the deck from a master. (Remind me to post about this later.) I'm can read with any Waite-Smith inspired tarot deck, any oracle deck; why wouldn't I be able to read with something completely different? I'm always telling my kids that the way to get better at something is to do it more. Practice makes perfect! Well, the only way I'm going to get used to reading with this deck is to just do it. Crashing through more walls? Sign me up!

Last week, Mo said, "You're gonna love this deck. You may never go back." Only time will tell how that pans out. Mo extolled the decks virtues of being extremely accurate and right to the point. If you know me, you know I like my readings to go just like that. No messing around, tell me the truth. I also believe that the magic is in the reader, not necessarily the images on a deck of cardstock.

Feeling all of that anxiety earlier, I wondered what would the Thoth tell me. I'd normally pull out The Wild Unknown, or even The Darkana Tarot as of late. No better time than the present to start with the Thoth. Here's the result today. The Two of Swords and The Prince of Wands.

My immediate thought was yes, I'm doing it right and keep going. Upon closer inspection, I see that in the background of Two of Swords are what look like four pinwheels. Things are working like clockwork, moving right along smoothly. It's balanced and organized. But I also see this as my anxiety. The swords in the foreground are symbolic of my ego/fear trying to protect myself from the activity going on in the background. Everything is happening as it's supposed to and exactly the right timing; it's my fear that keeps me from opening fully to that potential.

The Prince of Wands looks similar to The Chariot in a traditional RWS deck, except the chariot is in motion & there's only one beast pulling. Here I see my passion for tarot in motion. I am moving forward, albeit pulling to one side because the lion is off center to the chariot. It's moving forward smoothly but I'm letting the lion (my passion) pull the cart wherever it desires. I have reigns draped over my left hand wrist, my hand open-not the best way to steer a charging lion, but does anyone really have control of their lives? All we can do is our best and move forward with our best intentions and with passion! The open left hand is symbolic of being receptive to intuition. Interesting that the front of the chariot looks like a miniature city of skyscrapers. Driving industry (my business). So much energy in this card compared to the one on the left!

So, there you have it. Am I on the right path? Yes. Keep plowing through my fears to move forward. It's happening anyway, why not get out of the way. Help it along instead of trying to throw a wrench (or two swords) in the works. Use my passion to fuel the journey. Yes.

- Tarot on the Go: Have Cards, Will Travel!

A 10 of wands kind of moment turned chariot turned manifestation or ...?

Standing in line at the high school, waiting & waiting to register my 12th grader for senior year. It seems an uphill climb, 30 people deep. What can I accomplish while I stand here? Blog post! Start a FB account for my business? Draw a card & post on Instagram. Turn it into a Chariot moment.

All of the previous "stations" have been easy with no lines. This 6th station is for the nurse & all of her paperwork. Literally, this wait is on a ramp, the 10 of Wands epitomized it seems. Instead of looking at it like it's a chore, I'm going to take the time to chill with my daughter; these moments will become fewer and fewer as the year goes by. Taking charge here, with what I've got to work with instead of complaining about something over which I have no control really.

Finally finished with that line, we've moved on to the next to the last station. The next hallway has 4 tables on the right, spread out evenly, one for each grade level counselor. On the left, along the lockers, are people sitting in folding chairs waiting. Thinking that they are all waiting in front of their respective tables, we've walked toward the front of the line, near the senior counselor's table. Wait, what? ALL of those people are waiting for the senior counselor??! Dang. All the way back down the hall we go, to the end of the line. I kid you not, this line is 100 feet long. Well, maybe 60, but still. Thus starts the second hour of our time at registration.

Ok, so we've been waiting for 30 minutes and the line is inching along, literally -probably 10 feet. My god, we'll be here all freaking day at this rate. They seriously need to get some people to help that solo counselor with this line. My guess is that it takes longer for the senior registration because they not only have to ok their schedule, they have to make sure that they've got the correct credits needed for graduation. They also have to read and sign the senior contract which ensures that each child knows what they need to do to graduate and acknowledges that they understand the requirements of participating in commencement (92% attendance, I think, which comes out to no more than 13 absences in the the 9 month school year.) I can only imagine this takes so much time because so many of the kids need to change their schedules. What the heck else can it be? This day is for last names starting with A-L or something, the beginning of the alphabet. Are there that many seniors with those letters? Is it that the beginning of the day had shorter lines and this is what happens when kids don't wake up early? (or registration, like school start time, is scheduled unnatural to teens' circadian rhythms?) I don't know. It's hot as cuss with no A/C. So thankful that the littles are old enough to not have to bring them along to these things. I feel for the moms who have babies & toddlers in tow.

Wanting to see exactly what the heck is going on, I pulled a card from The Wild Unknown tarot.

Aha, the 5 of Swords. In a traditional RWS deck this would be a card indicating to cut one's losses. Just pick your battle & let go. However, my first thought was, "The line is going to be cut in half". My second thought was, "Ha!" lol. 

BUT, once again this deck doesn't pussyfoot around the truth. Within minutes, all of the counselors have been pulled from the other grades' tables and are now helping with the senior counselor's line. 

We were finished in about 10 minutes and on to the final stop at the ID picture booth where there was one person in front of us. Woo hoo! Was it manifestation? Was it "fortune telling"? I don't care. The important thing is that, once more, this deck was more accurate than I could have imagined. 

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone